Sunday, 4 March 2012

The silent audience

There is something growing inside of me, overtaking my thoughts and changing the way I view the world. It makes me different from everyone else, even though no one else can see it. Buried deep down inside of me I can feel it stirring. Pushing its way out of me, until I am too scared to open my mouth in fear that it would throw itself out of me and present itself to the world. Hiding it has become a life style now. Keeping it secret so no one knows I'm different. A massive weight is heavy on my shoulders. The weight of the secret is too much, and I can feel it burning and running through my veins. It is a part of me now, I suppose it always has been. Imagine how that feels. Concealing a part of you because you are too ashamed to tell it. No one would ever understand. It has to come out eventually. It will kill me if it stays secret. Crushing me down and threatening my whole existence.
And then it is loose. It runs out of me, breaking me in two with its force. I have no chance of stopping this great monster. I can see it flying past my eyes and falling onto the ears of my stunned audience. They stare, silently. Collecting their thoughts, and debating what to say in response. Yet it keeps on breaking out of my until I feel empty. It has gone from me and it is free to anyone who wants to embrace it. Yet, no one does.
The silence is broken by the screams of pain and betrayal. The running about and the panic is a sign of the attitudes of those around me. No one is still and no one is quiet. Except me. I am still. Not moving. Lost in the thought that I am free to be who I want to be. I no longer have to hide in shadows and keep secrets about something that is a part of me. I can see the truth dancing around in front of me and I am free.
There is something growing inside of them. It changed the way they see me, and how they act around me. I can see it buried down deep inside of them. Pushing them away from me, making them scared when I am near them. I walk down a road and I am alone. Pushed out of society. Made to feel small and insignificant. Those same words thrown at me, trying to hurt me. The hate I receive makes me wish I never let my secret out.

All of this because I am gay.