Secret affections

We sat. Just sat. And talked, of course. That big tree that stretched over us, hiding us and our secret from the outside. Our secret was that it was us against the world, and that we belonged to each other; no-one else.
The sun rose every day without fail, and we knew that everyday that this happened it would fill us with the joy and confidence that we were still us. Nothing had changed. As the sun rose, so did we. We filled the sky with the feelings we had for each other, and, even if the world didn't know, we knew this would last. The sun faded but we knew that this was just one more day to tick off of the calendar, and the next day would bring another adventure for the two of us to enjoy, together.
We returned to the tree, same as we did every other day. Our initials carved into the bark, binding out agreement in wood, making it public for the whole world to see. That was our tree. Each branch was a memory that we had together, stretched out, intertwined with each other, and made a beautiful silhouette of our time. We would sit every night and watch the sun move across the sky, the wind made the leaves dance in the descending sun light, the whole world was alive around us.
We threw seeds from our tree out to the grass around it, hoping that they would grow, and maybe one day, when they were old and wise, they would have the joy of hiding a couple under their long branches.
The wind is now bitter around me, as I wait in vain hope for your appearance. I sit and study the leaves that have fallen around me, and as I sit there and watch them die, I feel my feelings for you fade with them. Our initials that were once carved in front of me in our tree are gone and in its place, your name and hers stood strong side by side, with a letter pinned to it. 2 words. Your hand has written 2 words in that delicate handwriting. The 2 words that caused me to sink to the ground, among the dying leaves, in despair. Those 2 words that say everything, yet nothing at all. 'I'm sorry' I know exactly where you are, in the arms of her. The one girl you always held that secret affection for. Our tree lays dead around me, and as I turn to leave, I see one tiny shoot beginning to grow from one of the seeds that we planted when our tree, and our love, blossomed and grew for the whole world to see.

When will it work on me?

Same corridor, same eyes, same words. All that's different is the place. Walking down the long gauntlet, the same things are shouted from either side. Being pushed from one side to another, and into the arms of the people who just push you back. It seems like the people don't even have faces anymore, there are too many of them to keep track off. They are the same every time, nothing is different. There are no defining features of either place now.
I thought the rest would do me good. Give me time to build up my strength again. I walked in with my head held high, confident strides into the hall that once was filled with eyes that could terrify me. It felt good. It felt like people could see how I had changed just by the way I was looking at them. Then there they were. Those two people. They knew they had won and nothing had changed just by the way they looked at them. The laugh that escaped from them was barely needed as they knew they had turned me back into the timid girl I was before. My head shot to the same floor that I had studied for the past year, and my once long strides turned into a run past them.
I thought I was strong enough to go back and see them. Guess not. Guess the time I spent building myself back up again really could be destroyed in one quick look. I have to ask myself why it is like this. Why me? Why always me? Love life I was told! ...Why do I have to love this one? The one where just the mention of someone's name can make me feel like I want it to be over. Confident...I give the illusion well now I feel. I have been perfecting it over the last few years. It seems to have worked on you. The question is: when will it work on me?

Can you lose something you didn't have in the first place?

'A lost cause'. Words I heard once. What is a 'lost cause' though? It is only a 'lost cause' when you give up. Surely until then, it is a 'cause in progress'. You make it a 'lost cause'. You make it worthless and useless. If I give up then what I worked for doesn't mean as much to me as when I started. Yet, isn't that what I was trying to avoid? Trying to stop them from forgetting me, and isn't that what I'm doing?

You told me to give up. Yet, if I give up, everything I have done is wasted. Everything I worked for is useless and it may take me back further than I was when I started. That makes it worse than it was when I started, so giving up isn't right thing to do.

You told me to cut my losses. What losses? I haven't lost anything yet. I still have everything that is in my head, it is still there. But if I cut my losses then I lost it. Shouldn't I carry on fighting now? Can you lose something you didn't have in the first place? Can you claim something when it belongs to someone else? Can you hold on to a wish of what something could be?

So answer me this, if I give up now, why is it only me who loses?

They are all.

When did they eyes in the glass become judgemental? Telling me the lies that only they can see through. The only person I can never escape. The one person I can never escape. The one who will always tell me the truth. The one I could never deceive. When did they become right? They changed into what I hated. They stand there, taunting me. Mimicking me. Copying all I say and do. They have all the experience of my time locked into them.
The glass moves as I do. We are one and the same. They show me what I will be with themselves. All that I am now. They show me what I know but have forgotten and hidden. They are the memory I can never forget. They are the past, the present and future. They are the forgotten and the remembered. They are the good and thebad. They are the favoured and the alone. They are the dark and the light. They are all.
The eyes that show me who I am. The eyes that cause me to run and hide. The eyes that compel me to leave their sight. The eyes that never allow me to leave.The eyes that show me what I am. They eyes in the glass. The glass mirror.

Trust.

You left. How could you? You left me with her. Just her. How could you? You knew she was bad. Yet you felt it fine to leave me in her care. I understand why you left. I think you did the right thing. What she did was horrible and I totally agree. I would have done the same.
How did you do it though? You went from being a father, to a stranger overnight. How did you do it? I get why you can't love her anymore, but I never did anything wrong. It was just her. So why did you stop loving me too? How did you stop seeing me as a daughter? Please tell me so then I can stop seeing you as a father.
Every time I see you it hurts. Remembering all of the times we had together and knowing we will never have them again. Knowing you will always be the 'almost' guy. We were 'almost' a family. 'Almost' happy. 'Almost' the fairy tale everyone looks for. The 'what if' guy. 'What if' that never happened.'What if' she never did that. You will always be the one that we compare everything to. Was it as good as with him? Is it the same? Things will never be the same.
I just want things to be the way they were before. Everything to be back to normal. I'd come home and you would be there. You would be running about the house looking for things as you were going straight back out again. I would come in and here the sound of your voice, and knew this was where we all belonged. How we would always have people over to our house, as we were always the best family to do it. The way everyone knew us, because we were the perfect family.
You treat them differently. The other two. I know you should. They are yours. I was always borrowed. Yet, you used to treat me like them. All I want is for you to treat me like them again. I miss it. I miss you.   You were always there for me. you knew what to do. You were always calm and collected. You were good for us. For both of us.
You can get over this. You two. You love her, and she loves you. You know she does, and I know you do. All you have to do is trust her again. I know it is harder than I make it sound, but that is all it is. Trust. Get that and you can make it work. I know you can. You were so good together. Everyone said so. You used to walk through town, and people used to be jealous of what they saw. The two of you. So in love.
How do I describe you now? You aren't you anymore. Not my 'father' anymore. A guy my mum used to date? But you were so much more than that. How do I explain you now? You need to sort this out
I need you.

Because of you.

     You only ever think of yourself, don't you? Never think of me or anyone else. Never think of how your actions effect us. You rush in, and do what you feel like. You never stop and think about how what you do may hurt me or affect me in some way. You think that you are the only one who has to face the consequences of your actions. But you're not. I do too.
    The way you act has an affect on me. People hear your name and look badly on me. They think of all the bad things you have done, and all the things you are doing now. They know we are the same, so they expect me to do the same as you do. Have all the same mistakes that you do. I don't want people to think of me like that. I don't want to be associated with your mistakes.
    Can't you see they are worried? They all care about what you do. They watch you fuck up your life, mine too. I have to be with  you. I can't get away. They are worried about you, and in turn worried about me. They know I have to be with you. I have to stay by you and watch you destroy everything we ever worked for. All the relationships we made are being destroyed. People don't want to know us because of you.
   You need to change what you are doing. You can get me sent away. You can lose your job and get me taken away from you. If anyone finds out what you are doing then we are both in trouble. We are separated. They won't give me back to you for years. You will be on your own. You rely on me too much, and everyone else. You won't survive on your own.
  So how are you going to change? You need to stop everything. Now.

You have no idea do you?

You have no idea do you?
The way you hurt me.
The way you cut and scar me,
The hurt you caused to me.
A daily constant reminder,
The scars only I can see
The memories they brought back
I'm in constant agony.

You have no idea do you?
The way you make me feel.
My actions make mean outcast
And outcasts never heal.
The people give me weird looks
They whisper behind my back
They push me out of their lives
And tell me never to come back

You have no idea do you? The way you shape my life.
The names you call me
Affect me for the rest of my life.
I can hear your voice in my mind
As I go about day to day
The words you said all those months ago
Just think before you say

You have no idea do you?
How strong I am thanks to you.
Everything that happened made me grow
And now I'm something new.
I stand confident and tall
Walking big and tall
I am a better person than I was before
And I have only you to thank for it all.