Trust.

You left. How could you? You left me with her. Just her. How could you? You knew she was bad. Yet you felt it fine to leave me in her care. I understand why you left. I think you did the right thing. What she did was horrible and I totally agree. I would have done the same.
How did you do it though? You went from being a father, to a stranger overnight. How did you do it? I get why you can't love her anymore, but I never did anything wrong. It was just her. So why did you stop loving me too? How did you stop seeing me as a daughter? Please tell me so then I can stop seeing you as a father.
Every time I see you it hurts. Remembering all of the times we had together and knowing we will never have them again. Knowing you will always be the 'almost' guy. We were 'almost' a family. 'Almost' happy. 'Almost' the fairy tale everyone looks for. The 'what if' guy. 'What if' that never happened.'What if' she never did that. You will always be the one that we compare everything to. Was it as good as with him? Is it the same? Things will never be the same.
I just want things to be the way they were before. Everything to be back to normal. I'd come home and you would be there. You would be running about the house looking for things as you were going straight back out again. I would come in and here the sound of your voice, and knew this was where we all belonged. How we would always have people over to our house, as we were always the best family to do it. The way everyone knew us, because we were the perfect family.
You treat them differently. The other two. I know you should. They are yours. I was always borrowed. Yet, you used to treat me like them. All I want is for you to treat me like them again. I miss it. I miss you.   You were always there for me. you knew what to do. You were always calm and collected. You were good for us. For both of us.
You can get over this. You two. You love her, and she loves you. You know she does, and I know you do. All you have to do is trust her again. I know it is harder than I make it sound, but that is all it is. Trust. Get that and you can make it work. I know you can. You were so good together. Everyone said so. You used to walk through town, and people used to be jealous of what they saw. The two of you. So in love.
How do I describe you now? You aren't you anymore. Not my 'father' anymore. A guy my mum used to date? But you were so much more than that. How do I explain you now? You need to sort this out
I need you.

Because of you.

     You only ever think of yourself, don't you? Never think of me or anyone else. Never think of how your actions effect us. You rush in, and do what you feel like. You never stop and think about how what you do may hurt me or affect me in some way. You think that you are the only one who has to face the consequences of your actions. But you're not. I do too.
    The way you act has an affect on me. People hear your name and look badly on me. They think of all the bad things you have done, and all the things you are doing now. They know we are the same, so they expect me to do the same as you do. Have all the same mistakes that you do. I don't want people to think of me like that. I don't want to be associated with your mistakes.
    Can't you see they are worried? They all care about what you do. They watch you fuck up your life, mine too. I have to be with  you. I can't get away. They are worried about you, and in turn worried about me. They know I have to be with you. I have to stay by you and watch you destroy everything we ever worked for. All the relationships we made are being destroyed. People don't want to know us because of you.
   You need to change what you are doing. You can get me sent away. You can lose your job and get me taken away from you. If anyone finds out what you are doing then we are both in trouble. We are separated. They won't give me back to you for years. You will be on your own. You rely on me too much, and everyone else. You won't survive on your own.
  So how are you going to change? You need to stop everything. Now.

You have no idea do you?

You have no idea do you?
The way you hurt me.
The way you cut and scar me,
The hurt you caused to me.
A daily constant reminder,
The scars only I can see
The memories they brought back
I'm in constant agony.

You have no idea do you?
The way you make me feel.
My actions make mean outcast
And outcasts never heal.
The people give me weird looks
They whisper behind my back
They push me out of their lives
And tell me never to come back

You have no idea do you? The way you shape my life.
The names you call me
Affect me for the rest of my life.
I can hear your voice in my mind
As I go about day to day
The words you said all those months ago
Just think before you say

You have no idea do you?
How strong I am thanks to you.
Everything that happened made me grow
And now I'm something new.
I stand confident and tall
Walking big and tall
I am a better person than I was before
And I have only you to thank for it all.

Breakable

I don't mean to hurt you. I do it by accident. A few words and I can break you into a million pieces. I tip-toe around you, trying not to cause any damages, but somehow I always do. I watch what I say, making sure none of it could hurt you, but then you catch me off guard, and I said something that hurts you.

It is all because of the feelings you have for me. It makes you breakable and delicate. Anything I say to you gets analysed closer than anything would from someone else, so something bad that is said, seems so much worse coming from me. I don't resent you for it, I do it to sometimes. It just makes things complicated.

You are just so fragile. I know you don't mean to be, but you are. A dew words and you can be hurt. I suppose I can be too, it isn't just you. Yet your feelings for me can make you hurt more than most.

I try to hold you together. I try to glue you back to how you were, but there is always a piece missing. You are never the same as you were before I broke you. You have always been changed and altered slightly, and I'm worried if I keep on breaking you, then eventually there will be nothing left. I can see the damage I do to you. I see it every day when I look at you.

Then I think I have got you glued up again, and you are fixed and ready to be sent out on your own. I cradle you and try to make sure no one hurts you, as you have been told, I'm very protective over you, but I can never protect you enough. Someone always comes along and breaks you again. Maybe that is my problem. I cradle you so hard and try to protect you from everything, that I don't see someone coming to hurt you.

Sometimes it is me. I say something and you get hurt. You break and I work to rebuild you again. I push all the pieces together carefully, fitting them together like a puzzle. though the picture has been distorted. Yet, sometimes it isn't me who breaks you. Someone else comes along and undoes all my hard work. They come along and wash away the glue, and make you fall to pieces again. My work can be broken in seconds.

Then it comes to me. One day I might not be there to pick you up and fix you. Who will be there to rebuilt you then? I will have to pass on everything I know to someone else. The thought cripples me. A stranger rebuilding you. Putting their hands on the person I have been rebuilding for years. The one who I cradled and soothed when they were in pain. The one who has been through everything with me, and we both got out on the other side. Who is this stranger that has come to replace me? I can't let go of you. Ever.

Battles

A wise friend once told me that there were too many battles going on inside my head. I was fighting them silently and they were causing harm to me, without me even realising it.

But isn't that what life is? One big fight between doing what is right, and what is fun? Between what is socially acceptable, and what you accept within yourself? Between hurting yourself, or hurting someone else? Between trying to please the people close to you, and still doing what is right for you? Between changing for someone, and yet not losing sight of who you were first?

Isn't it all about getting the right balance? It isn't that you have to choose between them, you just have to choose the right amount of each. You don't get one or the other, you can have the best of both. But we all know that sometimes it doesn't work out like that. You don't always get the best of both, sometimes you get the worst. You get the worst possible outcome, which is often the one that doesn't please anyone.

It's not the choices we make in life, it is the way we handle the outcome, that makes us who we are. We can make the best of a bad situation, and this makes us a better person.

So aren't all these battles inside my head in fact a good thing? They make me a stronger person, and give me the skills to make the right choices the next time the battle comes around. So tell me this, why should I work to get rid of the battles in my head, when they are making me stronger?

But you are....

How can you be that amazing and not know it? Can't you see that you are making the world a better place by just being alive? Why can't you understand that you light up the room when you walk into it, and you can capture everyones attention by just smiling?
How can you be this perfect and not see it? I wish you could see that as soon as you are there, I forget anything that has happened ad the whole situation is perfect. I told you ever day, would you understand that if I had the chance, I wouldn't change one little think about you? I love everything about you, but I know you cannot see that.
How can you be that considerate, and not see you are? You take everyone else's lives above your own, and would be willing to mess your own up to get them to the top. When did you become so humble? Were you born with it, or did you become considerate when you were older?

When did being modest become cute? When did being stubborn become adorable? When did you stop seeing all these things that you are?

This is me.

I am controlling. I take comfort in knowing that I am in charge of what happens to me. I feel safe in what I know, and what I can change. I am calmed by the knowing that nothing happens without me planning and evaluating it first, weighing up the possibilities and all outcomes, till, after much thought, I chose a path to take.

I am needy. I depend on what I know won't leave. I trust with little ease, but when I trust, I trust with my whole self. I seek the stability that I know comes with independence, and self-reliance. Yet. knowing this doesn't make me any less dependent on others. I share out problems with my friends, but it is often too late to help.

I am fragile. I am easily broken and hard to fix. I am hurt by the smallest of things, and can be hurt for a life time. I will dwell on something that has made me hurt, until I am finally ready to expel it from my mind. It will control my every thought and movement until that day that I can finally let go.

I am insecure. I am constantly evaluating myself and comparing me against others. In me, I see many qualities I despise, and that in other people would cause me to turn and walk away from them. The qualities I see will be heighten when I know they are there, and this causes me confusion and hatred towards myself.

This is me. I am all of these things, but I am also a lot more. Those who dwell on the bad side of me never get to see the good side. My loved ones will look past my flaws and even embrace them. For they love me for who I am, and always will.