Second best

Second best is not for me,
Waiting round till you are free.
Here when you have nothing more,
What else could I be for?

I walk away

Sitting there, hand on face,
Clearly give up the chase.
Try to reason, try to change,
Sitting here just feels too strange.

I try to move and hold your hand,
Tell you things will be so grand.
You twist your head and turn around,
Tell me that you feel too drowned.

Talking's over, I walk away,
Wish you would call to stay.
Out the door, down the lane
Never to return again.

Against it all.

You and me against it all,
Stood together, a brick wall,
Make any problem seem so small,
But then he came to call.

He came and stole you away from me,
Filled you will up with glee.
Hid you so couldn't see,
Tried to make you free.

Now I know you're not the same,
Different rules, different game.
Growing like an open flame,
He's the one to blame.

I wish I could

I wish I could make it better,
Wish I could make it go away.
I wish I could show you,
Wish I could make you see.

To show you this is ok,
Show you we are all here.
To show you that you're not alone,
Show you that we care.

To try and help you understand,
Try to get you through.
To try to stop you from hurting,
Try to help you.

Homeward Bound

Life is a voyage that is homeward bound,
A huge long journey that goes round and round,
Starts from life, and ends in the ground,
But life is always homeward bound.

The Perfect Two

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” 
― Dr. Seuss


Started out as a mistake,
A hand held tight, give or take,
I thought your feelings were all fake,
Then my heart began to ache.

Thoughts of you filled my head,
Scared of what would come ahead,
You loved her, or so you said,
But then you turned and fled.

Soon it was just me and you,
As they said, the perfect two,
I felt something strange and new,
I knew we were to see this through.

Here we are, months along,
And we are still going strong,
We proved that they were so wrong,
Together for so long.

I pray and hope that this will last,
Laying out upon the grass,
Time with you moves so fast,
Our future will become our past.

The Perfect Two

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” 
― Dr. Seuss


Started out as a mistake,
A hand held tight, give or take,
I thought your feelings were all fake,
Then my heart began to ache.

Thoughts of you filled my head,
Scared of what would come ahead,
You loved her, or so you said,
But then you turned and fled.

Soon it was just me and you,
As they said, the perfect two,
I felt something strange and new,
I knew we were to see this through.

Here we are, months along,
And we are still going strong,
We proved that they were so wrong,
Together for so long.

I pray and hope that this will last,
Laying out upon the grass,
Time with you moves so fast,
Our future will become our past.

Hope across the bay

The bridge across the water stands,
High above the hills and sands,
Connecting the piece of land,
To hope across the bay.

Offers solitude and peace,
To those who long for it to cease,
Run across to find release,
In hope across the bay.

But there you'll find no still or calm,
No lovers joined in palm to palm,
Lacks reading of insightful psalms,
No hope across the bay.

You'll find a land consumed with rage,
Thoughts trapped within a cage,
Stay for a day or an entire age,
Lost hope across the bay.

Change your views and change your ways,
Slightly different with every day,
Oblivious in your engulfing haze,
You're the hope across the bay.

This is the world you longed to find,
Realise now that you were blind,
There never was any kind,
Of hope across the bay.

The silent audience

There is something growing inside of me, overtaking my thoughts and changing the way I view the world. It makes me different from everyone else, even though no one else can see it. Buried deep down inside of me I can feel it stirring. Pushing its way out of me, until I am too scared to open my mouth in fear that it would throw itself out of me and present itself to the world. Hiding it has become a life style now. Keeping it secret so no one knows I'm different. A massive weight is heavy on my shoulders. The weight of the secret is too much, and I can feel it burning and running through my veins. It is a part of me now, I suppose it always has been. Imagine how that feels. Concealing a part of you because you are too ashamed to tell it. No one would ever understand. It has to come out eventually. It will kill me if it stays secret. Crushing me down and threatening my whole existence.
And then it is loose. It runs out of me, breaking me in two with its force. I have no chance of stopping this great monster. I can see it flying past my eyes and falling onto the ears of my stunned audience. They stare, silently. Collecting their thoughts, and debating what to say in response. Yet it keeps on breaking out of my until I feel empty. It has gone from me and it is free to anyone who wants to embrace it. Yet, no one does.
The silence is broken by the screams of pain and betrayal. The running about and the panic is a sign of the attitudes of those around me. No one is still and no one is quiet. Except me. I am still. Not moving. Lost in the thought that I am free to be who I want to be. I no longer have to hide in shadows and keep secrets about something that is a part of me. I can see the truth dancing around in front of me and I am free.
There is something growing inside of them. It changed the way they see me, and how they act around me. I can see it buried down deep inside of them. Pushing them away from me, making them scared when I am near them. I walk down a road and I am alone. Pushed out of society. Made to feel small and insignificant. Those same words thrown at me, trying to hurt me. The hate I receive makes me wish I never let my secret out.

All of this because I am gay.

Pleasant Lullaby

In the door, you came to call,
You the one who knew it all,
Flash a smile, a hand held tight,
An invite for another night.

The doorbell rings, she straightens her dress,
A night planned perfectly to impress,
The look in your eyes, she comes alive,
You leave as quick as you arrive.

Time moves on, all is fine,
Exchanging words like yours and mine,
You've both grown, you're someone new,
You love her and she loves you.

The world stops still, chill in the air,
You said that you just don't care,
You're sick of it all, this is the end,
There's nothing left for you to mend.

Out of door, you turned away,
Ignored the begging calls to stay,
No looking back, no last goodbye,
Here ends our pleasant lullaby.

Once upon a dream.

     Floating along on a dream. On a cloud filled with all the wonders of the world. High above the reality of the ground below, filled with the hate and violence of a repressed age. We can drift here for an eternity, living on nothing but the hope of a day to come. A perfect day where nothing is wrong, and you are here. A life of love and passion, wrapped in a bubble where not even the effects of time can get us. They try to grab at us. They throw their words to us, in hope of hurting us. They will never get us. Our surrounding shelter is too strong for them. We will spend all day wishing, knowing they will come true, and the world, for us, is perfect.
     The memory of the life before has disappeared for us. We were like them before you see. The world of the cold and hungry. We lived among them and did not even think that something was wrong. We took it for the normal thing, that so many can die and we carry on regardless. All the death is normal, accepted, expected. But those days are far behind us now.
     Now we create it. Our world. Our dream. Always in good company. Always loved. Always needed. Always wanted. And always safe.
     There was always a time when that bubbled was going to break. Shatter into a million tiny pieces and part us. I was left alone. Thrown back down into the world I fought so hard to escape. The dream escaping through the cracks and now time and pain can get to me. I can hear them shouting. They mock me. The voices of the days that past. They can get me now. Their tongues and claws reach out to grab me. They reach into my soul, past my skin and into my very mind. Removing all those dreams and the hope of a better day, and fill every inch of my being with the feeling of slowly dying.
     And there I am. Back into the day to day life of the world I left. They have got me. The dream no longer comforts me. I look back onto it and it is gone. I imagine your face and it pains me to think that you may have been a figure that I made in a dream. A perfect illusion.
     A dream is just a dream, and reality must eventually take its place. For those who live a dream barely live at all.

But then you slipped away

You'd come home. There you were sitting together like nothing had ever changed. You both turned to look at me when I walked in and you started to explain that you had sorted everything out and you were coming back to us.
I could barely hear the words. The happiness I had felt had put me into a trance and everything around me stood still. I imagined what our lives would be like now that you were back home. Visions of us sitting around a dinner table surrounded by family and friends sprung into my head.
I ran over to the 2 of you and wrapped us into a tight embrace. The world was right again and I knew that everything would be ok as long as I never let go.
But then you slipped away.
Then I opened my eyes and that perfect world around me crumpled and I was left with the crushing reality of life without you. That feeling of dread and loathing of the fact you have to carry on, day after day.

You are but a dream

My friend wrote a poem, and they want to see what people think of it, so they asked me to publish it on here! Tell me what you think!!!!

I toss, I turn, I think of you
Same old stuff, nothing new
I think upon this special spark
Thats grown and grown within my heart

'Cause in my mind we'll dance and sing
Hold hand and smile at everything
But I'm not blind, I see its true
I do not mean as much to you

You're friendly to me but you draw a line
Anything less and that's just fine
But stray too far and woe is me
I get put down albeit gently

But still I dream of being with you
I hope and I pray, yet you haven't a clue
That you are the angel, the one in my life
The one I would marry and have as my wife

I know I aim high but you see thats just me
Yes, I'm aware that you're better than me
But common to me rejections a theme
And so I realise, my love, you are but a dream

Never say never

This is the second poem:

It may not be now
It may not be soon
It may be in days yet to come time
But whether its soon
Or a long time from now
There is a chance it can happen somehow

So never say never
And never say always
There is always at least one exception

As so if you ever
Should hear in the hallways
A never, its deception

Changes

My friend once showed me two poems. I loved them immediately and this is the first of the two:

Some may think that it's a shame
That nothing ever stays the same
That what is good and fine today
May soon become another way
You can't just count on things to stay
The same they were just yesterday
Seem contradictory and strange
The only thing that's sure is change

But change is movement, change is growth
Not bad nor yet, and yet it's both
Of memories filled with days that passed
Have brought us here today at last,
And as the moving shadows cast
Ahead on what will be the past
As time moves on and rearranges
An infinite amount changes

Secret affections

We sat. Just sat. And talked, of course. That big tree that stretched over us, hiding us and our secret from the outside. Our secret was that it was us against the world, and that we belonged to each other; no-one else.
The sun rose every day without fail, and we knew that everyday that this happened it would fill us with the joy and confidence that we were still us. Nothing had changed. As the sun rose, so did we. We filled the sky with the feelings we had for each other, and, even if the world didn't know, we knew this would last. The sun faded but we knew that this was just one more day to tick off of the calendar, and the next day would bring another adventure for the two of us to enjoy, together.
We returned to the tree, same as we did every other day. Our initials carved into the bark, binding out agreement in wood, making it public for the whole world to see. That was our tree. Each branch was a memory that we had together, stretched out, intertwined with each other, and made a beautiful silhouette of our time. We would sit every night and watch the sun move across the sky, the wind made the leaves dance in the descending sun light, the whole world was alive around us.
We threw seeds from our tree out to the grass around it, hoping that they would grow, and maybe one day, when they were old and wise, they would have the joy of hiding a couple under their long branches.
The wind is now bitter around me, as I wait in vain hope for your appearance. I sit and study the leaves that have fallen around me, and as I sit there and watch them die, I feel my feelings for you fade with them. Our initials that were once carved in front of me in our tree are gone and in its place, your name and hers stood strong side by side, with a letter pinned to it. 2 words. Your hand has written 2 words in that delicate handwriting. The 2 words that caused me to sink to the ground, among the dying leaves, in despair. Those 2 words that say everything, yet nothing at all. 'I'm sorry' I know exactly where you are, in the arms of her. The one girl you always held that secret affection for. Our tree lays dead around me, and as I turn to leave, I see one tiny shoot beginning to grow from one of the seeds that we planted when our tree, and our love, blossomed and grew for the whole world to see.

When will it work on me?

Same corridor, same eyes, same words. All that's different is the place. Walking down the long gauntlet, the same things are shouted from either side. Being pushed from one side to another, and into the arms of the people who just push you back. It seems like the people don't even have faces anymore, there are too many of them to keep track off. They are the same every time, nothing is different. There are no defining features of either place now.
I thought the rest would do me good. Give me time to build up my strength again. I walked in with my head held high, confident strides into the hall that once was filled with eyes that could terrify me. It felt good. It felt like people could see how I had changed just by the way I was looking at them. Then there they were. Those two people. They knew they had won and nothing had changed just by the way they looked at them. The laugh that escaped from them was barely needed as they knew they had turned me back into the timid girl I was before. My head shot to the same floor that I had studied for the past year, and my once long strides turned into a run past them.
I thought I was strong enough to go back and see them. Guess not. Guess the time I spent building myself back up again really could be destroyed in one quick look. I have to ask myself why it is like this. Why me? Why always me? Love life I was told! ...Why do I have to love this one? The one where just the mention of someone's name can make me feel like I want it to be over. Confident...I give the illusion well now I feel. I have been perfecting it over the last few years. It seems to have worked on you. The question is: when will it work on me?

Can you lose something you didn't have in the first place?

'A lost cause'. Words I heard once. What is a 'lost cause' though? It is only a 'lost cause' when you give up. Surely until then, it is a 'cause in progress'. You make it a 'lost cause'. You make it worthless and useless. If I give up then what I worked for doesn't mean as much to me as when I started. Yet, isn't that what I was trying to avoid? Trying to stop them from forgetting me, and isn't that what I'm doing?

You told me to give up. Yet, if I give up, everything I have done is wasted. Everything I worked for is useless and it may take me back further than I was when I started. That makes it worse than it was when I started, so giving up isn't right thing to do.

You told me to cut my losses. What losses? I haven't lost anything yet. I still have everything that is in my head, it is still there. But if I cut my losses then I lost it. Shouldn't I carry on fighting now? Can you lose something you didn't have in the first place? Can you claim something when it belongs to someone else? Can you hold on to a wish of what something could be?

So answer me this, if I give up now, why is it only me who loses?

They are all.

When did they eyes in the glass become judgemental? Telling me the lies that only they can see through. The only person I can never escape. The one person I can never escape. The one who will always tell me the truth. The one I could never deceive. When did they become right? They changed into what I hated. They stand there, taunting me. Mimicking me. Copying all I say and do. They have all the experience of my time locked into them.
The glass moves as I do. We are one and the same. They show me what I will be with themselves. All that I am now. They show me what I know but have forgotten and hidden. They are the memory I can never forget. They are the past, the present and future. They are the forgotten and the remembered. They are the good and thebad. They are the favoured and the alone. They are the dark and the light. They are all.
The eyes that show me who I am. The eyes that cause me to run and hide. The eyes that compel me to leave their sight. The eyes that never allow me to leave.The eyes that show me what I am. They eyes in the glass. The glass mirror.

Trust.

You left. How could you? You left me with her. Just her. How could you? You knew she was bad. Yet you felt it fine to leave me in her care. I understand why you left. I think you did the right thing. What she did was horrible and I totally agree. I would have done the same.
How did you do it though? You went from being a father, to a stranger overnight. How did you do it? I get why you can't love her anymore, but I never did anything wrong. It was just her. So why did you stop loving me too? How did you stop seeing me as a daughter? Please tell me so then I can stop seeing you as a father.
Every time I see you it hurts. Remembering all of the times we had together and knowing we will never have them again. Knowing you will always be the 'almost' guy. We were 'almost' a family. 'Almost' happy. 'Almost' the fairy tale everyone looks for. The 'what if' guy. 'What if' that never happened.'What if' she never did that. You will always be the one that we compare everything to. Was it as good as with him? Is it the same? Things will never be the same.
I just want things to be the way they were before. Everything to be back to normal. I'd come home and you would be there. You would be running about the house looking for things as you were going straight back out again. I would come in and here the sound of your voice, and knew this was where we all belonged. How we would always have people over to our house, as we were always the best family to do it. The way everyone knew us, because we were the perfect family.
You treat them differently. The other two. I know you should. They are yours. I was always borrowed. Yet, you used to treat me like them. All I want is for you to treat me like them again. I miss it. I miss you.   You were always there for me. you knew what to do. You were always calm and collected. You were good for us. For both of us.
You can get over this. You two. You love her, and she loves you. You know she does, and I know you do. All you have to do is trust her again. I know it is harder than I make it sound, but that is all it is. Trust. Get that and you can make it work. I know you can. You were so good together. Everyone said so. You used to walk through town, and people used to be jealous of what they saw. The two of you. So in love.
How do I describe you now? You aren't you anymore. Not my 'father' anymore. A guy my mum used to date? But you were so much more than that. How do I explain you now? You need to sort this out
I need you.